So $600 or $2000?
What’s the big deal, we got the bailout, right?
I suppose I’m grateful for $600. It is better than nothing. But I look around at all the other countries in the world that have managed to support their citizens and I’m disgusted and ashamed with our government and so tired of trying to survive on scraps. Two thousand dollars could have possibly fixed my vehicle, as well as gotten my service dog’s medications and my contacts, even if I couldn’t have considered anything else. (I’m not holding my breath for Biden’s last-minute promises. May I be pleasantly surprised.)
For now, though, I weigh and measure different options. Some things are non-negotiable: my service dog’s monthly meds are already ordered, and should be here this weekend; I also need contacts, these expenses are set aside on the spreadsheet.
Past that, more difficult choices have to be made.
Most of my clothes are either old and mended, come from a thrift store where size and quality don’t always match, or are made by me, in some instances. Do I fix my sewing machines and get new needles, thimble (which I could also use for sock knitting), and thread? It’s been years, and homelessness hasn’t been kind to my hand sewing supplies. This would take roughly $100 (luckily the parts are inexpensive, and I know how to fix my Singers). That seems like an easy choice, doesn’t it? Make masks easily and quickly, mend clothes faster with less pain, hem and adjust clothes, seam machine-knit sweaters with ease… Let’s put that on the back burner.
There’s all the things I need from my Amazon list, and that’s just the Household items, things that make daily life a bit easier. Accessibility items, things to keep me warm, or just plain personal care items. Or should I go down to my Crafting list and pick up some LED lights so I can see better in the kitchen, or a 1.5mm sock needle so I can knit without so much tension, or some strong silk thread for mending? Or perhaps to Clothes, to grab some jeans so I can worry less about how long the pairs I have will last? All of it? There’s only $390 left, after the flea/tick/heartworm meds and contacts. Let’s move on.
I have vEDS. I need to take care of my skin, or else it splits open. I also can’t keep my arms above my head long, or my shoulders like to sublux¹. Keeping my textured, curly hair short enough during this pandemic has been interesting, since neither of the local, walkable salons want to serve me (and the barber shop a mile away doesn’t have a setup that fills me with confidence). I need conditioner, lotion, and the like, and while the price points are low, the hair products are online only. And should I try to borrow a car or get a ride for a cut to stop the pain from cleaning my hair (with all attendant risk)? It would take it to almost $100 total, if I get the cut and thin (on top of the undercut; I have a lot of hair)? But $50 without the haircut (I have to factor tips in).
My lower body neuropathy recently reached a new plateau. This doesn’t mean there’s any more damage from the neuropathy itself, just a higher continuous pain level in my lower back and legs, especially on the left, which leads to greater constriction and tightness on the right to compensate. My pain meds are not covered by Medicaid, my budget currently will not cover an increase that will allow my past productivity, and Covid-19 means that my waiver for HHC/PHC hasn’t been used: either aides are not trained for my level of disability, or are not going out in the community due to infection risk. With this new level of pain without relief, I’ve lost a lot. I haven’t knit, or written much, or even played a video game in weeks. I read, and color when I can manage to hold something.
This has led me to look into MMJ concentrates. They are less expensive in the long run, although you do have to pick up something to use them with. I’ve found a full setup including a wax pen as well as rig + butane torch for $200 (butane and neuropathy?)… or I could get a wax pen with good reviews for around $75. Guess which one has more expensive upkeep (and that I built into the initial cost, because I’m poor). But can I afford the initial cost, when there’s so much else I need?
I’m very lucky that Section 18 deemed that I needed a Roomba. Even more lucky that they opted for the vacuum tower model. Vacuuming subluxes my shoulders badly, but clean floors are so necessary, aren’t they? I couldn’t help but name it DRD Pike: the ‘at home’ setup looks unsettlingly like Pike in his consolechair, and moving around it has its little flashing lights. It still needs vacuum bags and replacement parts, and those are all on me. The bags I consider reasonable, at 3/$19.99 (someone weighed a full bag at 7lbs, and I’ll take their word for it); I’m on my 2nd bag since I got the unit, they don’t fill quickly. The brushes are a bit more fragile, but do a great job. Should I spend $65 more to get replacements for the brushes and filters while I have free cash? That would make $90, roughly, to add to the spreadsheet. (We can’t forget shipping, remember.) I sit, I sigh, I weep… come again?
I’m glad I still remember how to set up my spreadsheets to automatically total. It makes shuffling these numbers so much easier, if you were wondering how I manage. Just enter the values and watch the ‘Current’ and ‘Remainder’ cells change on a see-saw.
I haven’t gotten my service dog any treats in a while. I’m running out of loose leaf tea, one of the few consumables I’m really able to enjoy in it’s own form. My last tea order from Upton was back in May, and I’m looking at running out soon. Does this seem small and petty? Tea keeps me warm, and calms my gut. Performing the ritual of making longleaf tea can calm me down, and drinking it helps with that, too. The familiar feel of the pots, the tea cozy, the smell of the tea, scooping the leaves, steeping, pouring the tea off, it’s wonderfully meditative. And you get to have tea after, so how can you lose? Warm hands, calm heart.
And my service dog deserves treats for telling me when the water is boiling, or when people are at the door, or when an alarm goes off. She deserves to be all kinds of spoilt, she needs her nails clipped (and with my hands barely working, that’s been an issue), heck, she needs her teeth cleaned. But that’s not even on the table right now. Fish skin might be. She loves fish skin and it’s good for her dental health.
There’s a series of books by Tad Williams I want to reread, and read the sequels. I want to read Fuzzy Nation by John Scalzi, too. There are so many books I want to read, and yarn I want to get (oh, how I wish I could get yarn ends to make cashmere sweaters), and I need a ribber for my knitting machine (but $600 isn’t enough for that), but even a garter bar like I used to have would help, but those are $80… A good kitchen knife to replace the one stolen that I can hold without pain… A new pair of boots that don’t need mended, and won’t have that point of failure (a zipper)…
It’s difficult, decision-paralysis difficult, to figure out how to spend $600 when you need so much.
It can be a lot easier to just get the pleasures you’ve denied yourself, the little treats, the things that add up so quickly, after you get what must be gotten. Because how do you choose? Why not pick a relatively painless month and some clothes, or eating out, or a few games? You might get more out of that, than the stress of ‘doing the right thing’ in society’s eyes.
Now, I don’t have that luxury. I need to figure this out. I need contact solution, I only have enough for tonight.
I’m so very tired.
1. subluxation: an incomplete or partial dislocation of a joint.
